There’s something about cats. They’re really odd. They’re not like dogs or rabbits or hamsters, or even like birds. And lemme tell ya, birds are weird. Spend any time with a cockatiel and you’ll be shaking your head and scratching at your feathers. But cats are at the peak of the weird heap. They’re so strange, they must be from another world.
You’re reading right: my cat is an alien and I’m going to tell you exactly why. Read my list of reasons and then examine your cat for telltale signs.
The top 5 signs that show that my cat is an alien are:
#1 My Cat Can Read My Mind and Morph into Fabric Softener
When I think about making the bed, my cat Ralph is always curled up on the covers, snoring, which is weird because it’s always when moments earlier he was shredding a catnip policeman on the other side of the house.
And this next thing might seem normal at first, but he is almost always in the laundry bag. Even when he is somewhere else. Every time I want to do laundry, there he is. Snoring. But then when I reach in to pull him out, he’s gone, and only a bottle of fabric softener remains. And I hate fabric softener.
Sometimes when I’m at work, I hear Ralph meowing. I work like 20 miles away from my apartment. But there he is, in my head, meowing. And he’s making that face.
He always knows where I am going to be walking, and makes sure to barf there. Rock-solid proof of mindreading if there was any.
#2 He Uses the Ceiling as Some Sort of Communication Portal to his Home World.
My cat sits in the exact, mathematical middle of the living room and looks at the ceiling. He stares really hard at something that I cannot see. He’s staring so hard that it makes a little dent in the carpet underneath him. He has laser focus and intermittently makes little chattering sounds. He is clearly communicating with his Mothership. I’m gonna be really scared when the light beam cuts through the roof and sucks Ralph up through the attic.
#3 He is Wearing a Disguise
Sometimes Ralph wriggles around as if his fur doesn’t fit him correctly. I have concluded that he is attempting to “adjust” the cat suit that he is wearing. I am sure that his alien form would be much too disturbing for us to witness, hence the ill-fitting costume.
#4 My Cat Watches Me Continuously Even When He is Sleeping
Ralph can watch me from anywhere in the apartment. If I am in the kitchen, he can see me from the bedroom, even when he is snoring in the middle of the unmade bed. He can see me when his eyes are closed, when he is asleep, when he is facing away from me, and when I am not even home. He knows when I am preparing his meal, cleaning his mothership, I mean, litterbox, and when I am in a naked and compromised position near an open window.
#5 My Cat Mistakes The Refrigerator for his Mothership
He is clearly storing items under the refrigerator for future transportation to his home planet, as gifts for the bigwigs there. It is also possible that he is storing items for the journey, in the same way that some people store food and water for the apocalypse that will surely come.
#6 He is Transparent, well, Translucent, no Wait, Which is the Invisible One?
Bonus Reason. Okay most cats are invisible, so this isn’t really adding much to the discussion, but I have to say, Ralph is really, really invisible. Like more than most. Like he is so invisible that you can almost see him, but not at all. Because he is invisible. Which is good because even though your cat’s fur is all over your sweater it doesn’t matter because no one can see it. But it still makes my boyfriend sneeze. Anyways, you know, bla bla bla.